Am I A Bad Mom?
The past few years seem to have completely flown by me.
Amidst the chaos of trying to maneuver a brand, my daughter coming into her personality (which is fuck you, raise me) , and working a 9 to 5, I have completely lost myself.
The more toxic that I was to myself, the more excuses I had about why it was normal. I have been saying, “I have always been like this” through every stage of the deterioration of my self-esteem, ego, and overall physical being.
Most days feel like I am rushing through every single thing that I do, most heartbreakingly my parenting.
I’ve spent a lot of time wondering whether or not I don’t want to play barbies, read books and play play-do because that is just who I am, or that is who I am right now.
Side note: I originally did this as a YouTube video and after watching it back made the decision that I was unwilling to be that unprotected in video form and felt better writing it instead.
It all, for me at least, always comes back to writing. It just so happens that mom parodies and me being a rapper is slightly more interesting to the masses.
I’ve slowly been making changes to re-establish and further find myself. The more I look directly into who I am there are three things that I can not avoid: my anxiety, my health, and my relationships.
As much as I would like to give you a brief on my anxiety so you understand fully, I am incapable. Nothing about it is brief. My anxiety is a never ending chain of events. It is the constant fear of death paired with the crippling feeling of inadequacy to almost everyone around me. Death, assault, and insecurity account for a higher percentage of my daily thoughts than the average person.
This is why I eat until it hurts, drink until I don’t remember and give myself away to undeserving people so freely. I am always running away from my own thoughts. I didn’t realize how much neglecting myself added on to the weight I have been carrying all along. Recently though, I feel it physically. My baggage is no longer an emotional metaphor for my issues it’s a quantifiable digit on a scale. The last time I saw it, it scared me. I’m allowed to be an advocate for body positive movements and inclusivity but still be unhappy with myself. I’m finally ready to really accept, that I am sick and tired of living this way.
I lack discipline. We will leave the dissection of what that stems from for my therapist or a dedicated blog post.
The last time I practiced it often enough to get results, I lost around sixty pounds. I felt great and looked my best, so naturally I became pregnant. Ha! A part of me thinks that I have not given getting back in shape a real effort because I am afraid that doing it now with added responsibility makes it less realistic.
I’m now ready to own that it is possible. In fact, with a child I have even more reason to take better care of myself.
In this very moment I am finally ready to unearth whoever it is that I am supposed to be.
The only way I can achieve this is to really begin to pour into myself. I have scheduled an appointment with a Dr. of Integral Medicine, I’m back in the gym, and I’m freeing myself of distraction.
I’m really going to take my time finding out what is going on inside of me, so I can begin addressing it accordingly.
I do what is needed of me every single day but I am not present. I feel like my daughter is getting this sub-par version of me everyday that has her longing for her two days with other, funner people (see: grandma, daddy).
I’m less concerned with the small credits of being the “fun” parent as I am with the overall person that she perceives me to be. It took me having a child to realize that my mothers pain and weaknesses were always more about her than me. That doesn’t change the sting of my memories of her throughout my childhood as uninterested, not involved, and resentful of her role.
The only way to break the cycles are to change the actions. I’m using this platform that I’ve built to not just share creatively but to hold myself accountable for being a better person.
I’m going to do this by documenting how I’m changing, what I’m doing, and what I’m learning.
I’d love for you to join me for the ride !
I’ll be sharing everything from my weight-loss to my celibacy and you can stay tuned in by making sure you are subscribed to the blog.
I think we all want to be better parents or people in some shape or form.
For me, the best way to do this is to be better to myself first .
I look forward to doing it with you all supporting me through this.