Anxiety & Depression
I'm sitting at a table inside of Starbucks. To my left is a glass panel window facing the parking lot. As the car pulls into the space right outside of the glass, it starts to happen. The car doesn't stop where it is supposed to, it's coming closer to the glass, now through the window! I jump a little bit because I can literally feel the impact of the vehicle on my body. I'm not crying, but my eyes are starting to swell with tears because who is going to take care of Nylah, how did I let this happen? Am I dead, or permanently unable to walk now for the rest of my life?!
The car never came through the window, and for the past thirty seconds I have completely forgotten I was doing math homework. This happens frequently throughout the day, and there are a shit load of thirty second time frames in an entire twenty-four hours. When I'm driving next to trucks I imagine all of the different ways I could swerve to avoid dying. I have heard myself scream out "Someone please save my daughter, she is in the back seat!" while envisioning potential accidents when I'm on the freeway.
Or maybe a loved one will text me, and I will imagine how they would feel if I was dead, or in turn what I would say at their funeral- and despite sometimes being in public I will begin to cry. I can always pull myself back together relatively quickly. On the outside at the very least. My mind can become extremely obsessive at times though.
The placement of things, not having too many things, everything having a place. Feeling like something is missing, or feeling like I am suffocating. Being present with people and wishing they would stop talking, and then being alone and wondering why I am so difficult to love.
I'm easily triggered, easily brought to anger. I have zero patience most days. I carry my angst and trauma in my neck, at the base of my shoulders- so even standing and sitting up straight can feel unbearable.
I never have enough money...it is truly everything isn't it? Some times I am barely able to even provide myself with the most basic of needs. My life feels like a bad movie seventy-five percent of the time.
People don't understand that, or me...even people that love me but say I'm just letting something get the best of me and that I can and will push through anything. It's always insulting when someone belittles something that effortlessly consumes you so often.
Every day I fight this. Most days I win, other days I lose. I have to put extra effort into not letting myself operate off of emotion, because mine fluctuate so often. Quit this job today, or have money tomorrow.
I can make anything an addiction, it's in my blood. I back away from most things cautiously.
My e-mails have to be cleared and put in folders daily. I can't leave notifications sitting on my phone. My apps are color coordinated. I make lists every day, and still fall behind on everything and panic, and rush and sweat and stress and stress. People call me on the phone and I have to half-listen to their problems because it puts me on edge listening to most people talking about what is wrong with them when I am always falling apart myself.
I wake up though. I make it through the day. My daughter is taken care of and happy, she is so smart. She knows I love her, she always makes sure I'm ok. If I have a bump or scratch on my body she notices it right away, and rubs her finger along it and asks me if I'm ok.
& I am, I'm ok. I'm just fighting something very real, every day. It's worsened since motherhood I believe. I never paid attention to how shitty this world was before Nylah. Like what exactly have I brought someone else into this all for?
I'm journaling, I'm reading, I'm searching, I'm trying.
I hope you all are too.