4 Things You're Allowed To Do After Having A Baby
1. Have Sex
Contrary to popular belief, after a woman has a child, she does not stop being a human. Also see: a woman without a committed partner, is not incapable of having sexual desires. Also see: having a baby doesn't make you 'loose', the vagina is a muscle. Also see: babies don't just come out of vaginas... slice, slice still tight nigga. Moving forward, guilt and shame being imposed on anyone for any reason is one of the most simpleminded things that can be done. With that being said, it's unfortunately something that women with children deal with every single day. I'm going to speak based off of personal experience, as I intend to always do, as an independent woman with child. I say that because I am unfamiliar with the level of zest in a married or partnered mothers life. My sexual escapades as a mom have been memorable, to say the least. As of late, I've taken fancy to deep conditioning all of the hair that grows wildly across my body because this mama is celibate. I am pretty sure it is by choice. Given the right opportunity though, ahh, opportunity. For those without children reading, understand your opportunity and bask in it. I've lost where I'm going here, see # 2 of this post for more understanding on that. Back to my point, all women , mothers or not, can do whatever feels good for them. If it is consensual, if it is not someones else's life partner, it is ok to sleep with them. Sorry Jesus.
2. Drink Alcohol
I am floored that people judge mothers for doing something, that I consider to be a bare necessity for surviving the turbulence of having a child. Yes, it is that serious. Motherhood is like this constant reminder that every single corny thing you were told throughout your entire life actually has meaning. The safe sex lesson echoes the loudest for me on days where my daughter says the word mommy so many times that I truly can not even think straight. Sometimes I go out with friends to drink, but for the most part I drink at home. My daughter is usually sleeping peacefully at peak drunk-ness, trust me I know, I'm looking directly at her. Welcome to another episode of True Life: I Have Never Had The Bed To Myself. Also see: The Pros and Cons of an Air Mattress. I enjoy a good drink or five at the end of every night when she is resting because it makes me feel good. If you can't tell, I'm pretty much pro-anything that makes you feel good. Except for heroine, I just feel like that drug is taking it a little far you know? I sincerely hope you guys know when to take a grain of salt with the comedy, but also know when it is serious (see: air mattress, go-fund me for better back support will be linked below). On a more personal level, I come from a very strong background of addiction. If there is anything that ever begins to take control over you functioning at an optimal level, it is not something you need and possessing enough self-control over it is crucial. For me, having a glass or two of wine relaxes me & gets my creative juices flowing. I enjoy alcohol, so long as there is no heartburn or throw -up. Another persons opinion about what state of mind I should or shouldn't be in as a mother is irrelevant.
When you run into me at a party, maybe a bar...*pause* , for those of you unable to process this concept, it is ok for an unwed 25-year old mother to have a night or two out. As it is ok for a 40 year old mother, or an any-aged married woman. What is not ok, is the kind of questions that imply, someone else aside from that mom, an outsider, feels some type of way about them being out. The following is my favorite question to hate from peers without babies on the rare occasion I am caught out.
"Where is Nylah?"
Well hey girl, HI. I'm good! How about you? Damn. One of my favorite responses to this question is that she is in the car. Just waiting for me for a few hours, until I'm ready to drive us home drunk. How about , no. How about, my daughter is just as good as she was this morning for breakfast, nap time, dinner, and would you believe people can put their kids to bed and then STILL go out afterwards. Or maybe she is just with somebody the fuck else. It is not that big of a deal, and it is really never anyone else's business. Sometimes a weekend at grandma's house is necessary, not a meme to be made viral on the internet.
Let's not forget the moms who shame other mamas for what THEY would or wouldn't do. Don't let your lack of resources, or difference in situation have you out here thinking you're anything other than more stressed out without a break or two every once in a while.
3. Not Want To Be With Your Kid
That was a perfect segue into number four. I'm allowed to not only get a break, but WANT that break. I am allowed to want to be alone. God forbid I thank god, for not having my child for a day in front of someone without a side-eye. Don't get me wrong, I miss my baby girl when she is away from me, but sometimes I am still not ready for her to come home and then in the blink of an eye she has colored her entire face with markers and I am ready for someone to come on and TAKE HER BACK.
Sorry, not sorry.
4. Have A Job And Or Go To School
There is this whole market of people, who go and get licensed to open facilities or make their homes available to tons of parents who can bring their children there to be well-cared for in their absence. These are called daycares. Typically utilized by people who work and or go to school, or just have something to do that would be easier without a screaming infant. It is so normal for women to have to work and go to school, that an entire motherfucking business has been created around it. At 300 dollars per week per kid, and a max occupancy of 12 kids for one place, these superheroes are securing the bag. So if they understand the need, why don't other people? Why do people give me puppy dog eyes after I answer their questions, or tell me how they just couldn't even imagine having to leave their children with another person every day for so long?
Let me tell you what I can not imagine. Not waking up and still getting to be an individual outside of Nylahs mom every day for 8 hours. Even if its at a mediocre wage that's barely livable, there are days where I skurt off from the daycare just ready to deal with anything other than my daughters emotional trauma during certain scenes of Finding Dory, and her wanting and needing water and cereal only ever after I have just sat the hell down. Shout out to the stay at home moms, because that is one hell of a job that I myself couldn't imagine doing. You want to know the difference though? It's that I would never say that to a woman after she told me, because when something doesn't apply to me directly I understand that my opinion about it usually doesn't matter.
All of this ties into the bottom line that, if it isn't your baby, your life, your bank account, your job, it really isn't your business. Me and every other momma out there, are allowed to do whatever the heck we wanna. If the safety and well-being of a child is not being compromised, there is no need for your comments or opinions.
I'll tell you what, in the event that you see me having sex, while drunk, driving down the 405, running late for work, with Nylah in the backseat, then you can give me your opinion.
Until then, it's probably not that big of a deal, and it's probably something your own mother did back in the day.
Feel free to share your stories about things people have tried to make you feel bad about because you're a momma! Comment below or submit to firstname.lastname@example.org