Finding Myself Through Nylah
The list of things you are supposed to be, or supposed to have before you bring a child into the world are endless. The only thing I really had upon deciding to move forward with having my daughter was my sanity. By the sixth month of my pregnancy I had lost that, along with my "relationship", and any type of body shape I had already been struggling to hold on to.
In May of 2014, Nylah arrived via a begged for "get this baby the fuck out of me" c-section, I deflated a little, and slowly started to become accustomed to me and her. Just me and her. Sometimes it was weird. Talking to someone who just never talked back. It was ROUGH. The first few months especially. I had this pink night gown with black polk-o-dots from Walmart that I did not take off for three months. I barely slept, my nipples bled, I cried when she cried but we made it through.
Still today with me being 25, and her being 3, something we are relatively good at is making it through. Life still isn't stable. I am still trying to figure that out for us. That's the most difficult part of becoming a parent, not being able to figure things out for just you, there is always someone else to consider. Always something that needs to be sacrificed, or cannot be sacrificed all for the sake of this miniature version of yourself.
When my daughter was born, I remember being so overwhelmed with joy, but also fear. I struggle with religion, and my beliefs, but when she was born I remember praying to god asking that he be real for me solely because I needed something bigger than me to make sure she was always ok. I guess that was one of the first times she nudged me towards figuring out who I am.
The way society and storybooks tell it, you are supposed to know who you are before you have a baby. In me and my daughters storybook, she is the reason I even began on that journey. Before Nylah, my path was foggy. The path is a hell of a lot harder to walk down carrying her now, but at least I can see where I'm going, and I'm holding the reason why.